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A Significant Life Challenge – what happens to our thinking …

We go through life, one foot in front of the other, focusing on the next goal, the next thing, always the next thing …. then … life happens.

In my case a relationship, love – the use of silence and dogma as a weapon to whose only purpose was to hurt and exclude – this came from a group projection.

I had allowed myself to love the idea of someone and of a belief in the future to help others, the reality was something else indeed  … it was about all the most base of human fears, about control, about an ideology … for when the survival of a ideology becomes more important that the people within it, the ideology will always fail …. in this case my insight was that the ideology was false …. the most monumental challenge of my life was about to begin – I knew had to face it head on.

How we deal with life challenges such as grief or loss will also tend to follow a process – I know the more widely accepted model is the Kubler-Ross model, but I felt this was was more applicable to my own emotional or spiritual challenge

Stage One – SHOCK & DENIAL

We may react to learning of the Challenge with numbed, uncomprehending  disbelief. You may deny, frantically try to rationalize the reality of the loss in order to avoid the pain. The shock is normal, experience it, as it provides the emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks or longer,

Stage Two – PAIN & GUILT

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of profound pain –  this is normal, please try to experience the pain fully, and not hide from it, at this point is is incredibly important not to escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

Life feels chaotic, uncertain and scary at this point ..

Stage 3 – ANGER & BARGAINING

Frustration increases and may give way to anger, be aware that you may project this anger and anxiety onto family, friends or medical professionals –  be aware and try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time to look outwards and find ways to release the bottled up emotion.

You may shout at the rain, Why Me ? You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair (“I will never …. If… )

Stage 4 – “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS

A relatively long period of reflection may overtake you. This is a normal stage – flow with this, do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning friends or family. Encouragement from others does not penetrate and serves no function but to increase the self doubt. For during this time, you finally comprehend the true magnitude of your loss, and it depression deepens, you may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories – this may be exacerbated by feelings of emptiness, despair and frustration and self doubt.

Stage 5 – THE UPWARD TURN-

As the reality of starting life without, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression” the feeling that your head feels like a sponge with no ability to think begins to lift.

Stage 6 – RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-

As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself looking for realistic solutions to the life challenge posed by life without your loved one. You start to work on practical ways of reconstructing yourself and your life.

Stage 7 – ACCEPTANCE & HOPE

During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, we learn to accept and deal with the reality of our situation. Acceptance doesn’t necessarily bring instant happiness.

Given the challenged face and the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living

I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and that light is me.

I spend a considerable time in nature … with the nurturing energies that help change my life … over time it brought new levels of consciousness and with that a new perspective on the ordinary and the journey itself.

I have also  gone deeply into mindful meditation and movement therapy such as Thai Chi and Chi Gong (Qigong) … it was the initial reason why I give to others by teaching mindful meditation and movement therapies like Qigong and Tai Chi. online and in person http://mindfulunion.wordpress.com

During mindful meditation I arrived at the point where we exist day to day in a continuous meditative state – along with the controlling our thoughts … and being more in a feeling state than a thinking state .. life becomes creative and peaceful, love and understanding pervade your every waking moment.

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