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A Significant Life Challenge – what happens to our thinking …

February 18, 2015 Leave a comment

We go through life, one foot in front of the other, focusing on the next goal, the next thing, always the next thing …. then … life happens.

In my case a relationship, love – the use of silence and dogma as a weapon to whose only purpose was to hurt and exclude – this came from a group projection.

I had allowed myself to love the idea of someone and of a belief in the future to help others, the reality was something else indeed  … it was about all the most base of human fears, about control, about an ideology … for when the survival of a ideology becomes more important that the people within it, the ideology will always fail …. in this case my insight was that the ideology was false …. the most monumental challenge of my life was about to begin – I knew had to face it head on.

How we deal with life challenges such as grief or loss will also tend to follow a process – I know the more widely accepted model is the Kubler-Ross model, but I felt this was was more applicable to my own emotional or spiritual challenge

Stage One – SHOCK & DENIAL

We may react to learning of the Challenge with numbed, uncomprehending  disbelief. You may deny, frantically try to rationalize the reality of the loss in order to avoid the pain. The shock is normal, experience it, as it provides the emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks or longer,

Stage Two – PAIN & GUILT

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of profound pain –  this is normal, please try to experience the pain fully, and not hide from it, at this point is is incredibly important not to escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

Life feels chaotic, uncertain and scary at this point ..

Stage 3 – ANGER & BARGAINING

Frustration increases and may give way to anger, be aware that you may project this anger and anxiety onto family, friends or medical professionals –  be aware and try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time to look outwards and find ways to release the bottled up emotion.

You may shout at the rain, Why Me ? You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair (“I will never …. If… )

Stage 4 – “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS

A relatively long period of reflection may overtake you. This is a normal stage – flow with this, do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning friends or family. Encouragement from others does not penetrate and serves no function but to increase the self doubt. For during this time, you finally comprehend the true magnitude of your loss, and it depression deepens, you may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories – this may be exacerbated by feelings of emptiness, despair and frustration and self doubt.

Stage 5 – THE UPWARD TURN-

As the reality of starting life without, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression” the feeling that your head feels like a sponge with no ability to think begins to lift.

Stage 6 – RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-

As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself looking for realistic solutions to the life challenge posed by life without your loved one. You start to work on practical ways of reconstructing yourself and your life.

Stage 7 – ACCEPTANCE & HOPE

During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, we learn to accept and deal with the reality of our situation. Acceptance doesn’t necessarily bring instant happiness.

Given the challenged face and the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living

I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and that light is me.

I spend a considerable time in nature … with the nurturing energies that help change my life … over time it brought new levels of consciousness and with that a new perspective on the ordinary and the journey itself.

I have also  gone deeply into mindful meditation and movement therapy such as Thai Chi and Chi Gong (Qigong) … it was the initial reason why I give to others by teaching mindful meditation and movement therapies like Qigong and Tai Chi. online and in person http://mindfulunion.wordpress.com

During mindful meditation I arrived at the point where we exist day to day in a continuous meditative state – along with the controlling our thoughts … and being more in a feeling state than a thinking state .. life becomes creative and peaceful, love and understanding pervade your every waking moment.

Connecting the Dots

April 26, 2014 Leave a comment

I was thinking about Steve Jobs the other day and a quote of his came to my mind … it went like this

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backward”

He is so right, many months ago, it was as if I was in a dark room, feeling my way forward, but I kept falling over stuff, the future that I had invested in was always out of reach … my brother did what only brothers can, and asked me to look at the dark room again, but differently this time.

I went into a familiar process that I had first completed some 20 years ago, it requires only commitment and absolute honestly – it is essential that we face our demons, for until we do, we project them onto the world, through our reactive unconscious acts, hurting those we love, and who love us … since this time, the second process has been completed (such that it can be or ever is), the fiction that fears are real was revealed and you move past them ..  you are at a new plateau, just, so long as we stay aware and keep owning your weaknesses.

When one is within the darkness, we can only feel the pain, for that part of us has no way of communication through language … it takes time, it take commitment, courage and time  .. I honour all those who go through any recovery process.

It is wonderful to feel your family’s love, but what they cannot do is facilitate or enable you – they will withdraw from you –  to support you how they feel they can … it is as if they take you down to the dock for a long sea voyage … you can still feel their love .. but this is a journey we must take alone.

In hindsight, part of connecting the dots, you learn lots of things about yourself – you understand, accept and value yourself,  you make friends with who you really are, and also with your ego, to understand it better .. you learn that there is almost no pain when we are present, for then the ego has no place to hide – you take what you have learnt and over a period of months you let go of the past and bring only the learning into your life – Staying present develops further into acceptance of what is and the letting go of expectations and any sense of a need for control, then one day and every day after, you are just grateful – you feel balanced and stronger, but most of all you are free. Frankly being truly free is a bit scary, but you try new things, people engage and you are on your way.

If one must label things, most of the time you are mindful – you bring a huge focus to anything that is in your present, because you are present … you are careful of where you walk so you don’t tread on insects, you spend hours down by the beach, or in the woods, noticing every aspect of the web of life, the trees, the grass, the birds, of life abundance – new insights come, you experience your consciousness expanding like a wave, flowing outwards into the world … it is intoxicating and yet so much more .. but it is I feel only a beginning.

In this moment, I find life is a wonder – you don’t judge, you love and understand the behaviour of others, and even if you don’t understand, you feel real compassion for what they are going through (for I feel everyone is doing the best they know how to), insights come, and it feels good to engage and help others .. but the real outcome is that you know who you are, you need no one’s approval for you have your own, you engage more with the community and surprisingly you are detached even from your own future …. you flow with what life brings as it comes into your present and you look to the future – you can still feel those you love, but it is as if you are traveling parallel paths, you wonder !…. but you know whatever happens, what a journey there must be yet to come, for all of us, together or apart  ….. whatever comes, you are up for it

Where I am right now, I doubt I will be directly addressing this introspective aspect of me again, well anytime soon that is … for I guess the time for a definitive on any subject is well and truly gone.

I have a new list of subjects for blog posts coming up including an update on the State of our Paradigm I did last year .. interesting times … thanks for reading and if any are within such an experience as this, know it will be different for you, but flow with it, honestly and with courage, you too will come through.  If you need a sounding board, contact me, I will help if I can.

A process of Personal Transformation

December 29, 2013 Leave a comment

I had been aware for some time of my limiting thoughts, emotional blocks and strange behaviours –  these are basically hangovers from our past, our previous learned responses which had outlived their usefulness to the person we might wish to be …. for me they were stopping me taking a leap … however the strange part is that I had the answer within me .. what I needed to do was repeat a process which I had carried out once before –  for when you think about it,  everything in life is a process, in this case to confront these behaviours which were now irrelevant to my life and renew myself … in a way to renounce who and what I was, and allow myself the freedom to introduce myself to what next evolution of me … the same process is available for everyone, from that awareness, we eventually come to the Acceptance that action is needed … then when we are ready we do take action.

Twenty years ago, I went through a period of intense personal change – looking back now, the program was based on the original  12 step program .. this is a proven program, which has been going since 1935 … in my case I am not driven by the need to stop drinking, but by the need to use the Transformational 12 steps program to bring around personal change … to change the way I react – so that basically I don’t .. in fact to change my default response to pause and reflection before I respond – giving me that time to consider the impact of my words and deeds on others, but also our own evolution … in other words to respond from strength, instead of reacting from weakness –   for me the outcome made me whole –  after the completion of the program, I am content, with me … however the work doesn’t stop there, for now on it is also a continual process of self assessment –  in this occasion , I knew it was time, I was committed to change, in fact, I had been looking for a way to make it happen since April … and just before this time, I felt in darkness, always feeling my way forward, metaphorically falling over stuff .. this stuff was my past, my beliefs, my history, my limitations.

Note before starting … you need to be committed to this course of action without any reservation … if you are not committed, it won’t work .. you can’t fake it … you need to follow the steps, some are not easy because they can be a very confronting process –   have the courage and belief in the process to follow where they lead, for if you want your future to be different from your today … it is journey you must take ..  you might use the analogy that the process, is almost a low level reformat of the way we look at life … it is equivalent to a process of clean up and clean out — its worth it,  let me assure you.

I went to a local AA meeting, just to feel the atmosphere .. to meet and talk to the people who had successfully come through the program .. a strength, a compassion, but an overall humbleness from everyone who had completed the program was all I felt … I went ahead with the steps in order, going through each until I was absolutely happy that I was totally committed to it –  for me, as I was so committed to change and my previous experience with the program, it was not as difficult as I imagined, for I had been ready for such a process since the beginning of 2013 … note: –  you have to want to do it .. I might add doesn’t magically rid your personality of these reactions to stimulus, what it does is that it makes you very aware of your personal triggers to make reactions and behaviours and allows you to confront them and once you have there is no fear,  there is just contentment, happiness, love an a strength – a wish to help others –  remember we all have these demons at sometime during our path, our journey.

I believed I needed to become less reactive to stimulus .. to be mindful, present in the moment, to forgive and forget the past hurts and failures .. to bring into the present only the learning, my goal was to live life mindfully, part of which means we need to stay present .. for that is the only place where anything is created … this also means letting go of expectations (investing in them anyway), whatever they are, to be open to real abundance through love –  to be open to the infinity of the Universe through love and abundance.  I came to the realisation that when we invest in expectations we are by the very nature, creating illusions as these events are in the future, they haven’t happened yet, so we are in fact setting ourselves up for disappointment.

It took me a while to write about this, as I completed these steps back in October 2013 … to have the support of your family is a big plus, but one thing is so true, this process is something we have to do for ourselves and by ourselves  … for that is where change must come from … the commitment to the self, and to the future self …. Good Luck!

If you feel the need, from the awareness of self, look at the process, if you need any help … please write … I will help how I can.

Since this, I have had some realizations that came from unblocking my limitations, incredible clarity has come …all this was like breaking through the shell if you like that enclosed my understanding … now I guess I am within a bigger shell … one day I will push through those limitations … Quite soon I will do another post of the process of learning to live mindfully.

The Story of the two Wolves

July 26, 2012 Leave a comment

One day an old Native American grandfather was talking with his grandson.

He said, “There are two wolves fighting inside  all of us – the wolf of fear and hate, and the wolf of love and peace.”

The Grandson Listened, then looked up at his grandfather and asked,

“Which one will win?”

The Grandfather replied,

“The one we feed.”

Oxymoron a definition

September 10, 2010 Leave a comment

Here is the link to the New Scientist Article.. here

Only a military or amoral person would talk about a “safer’ bomb… its got to be definition of an Oxymoron… so a contradiction in terms.. the only safe bomb is one you never make… let alone drop..the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico it littered with 10’s of 1000’s of tons of munitions… going back as far and perhaps before WWII

Developing a science for killing people and destruction… what a very strange species we are…

Being a whole person

March 5, 2010 Leave a comment

A little voice inside of me …. came from afar… from a really good friend … who has quantified something that has been growing inside of me for years… in essence “feelings” which allow you to live in the moment… in the now… isn’t that what we all need to do… live for the moment… it is far better than to live in the past, or the future…..  to live in the now is my goal…..  but most of all, I want us to feel the impact on others of our thoughts and actions … when we use our force or manipulation to hurt other souls or to hurt ourselves or Gaia… all of these actions we do for expediency (with the supposed hypothesis of “the end justifies the means” – the end is never justified by corrupt, un-ethical or means without thought or honour) or to shore up the insecurities in ourselves, but surely, as with all misdeeds we inflict on others, by the very nature of Karma, such actions will always come back to bite us, as they should.

Remember there is a bigger picture…. and everything that happens is not always about you.

Really I just want you to think…  do think before you act…. to that end I would like to present you with a talk from Eve Ensler by way of Ted Talks… I hope it at least makes you think…  if the embedded link doesn’t work, then please click here Eve Ensler Program

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So where am I – really ?

August 15, 2009 Leave a comment

I know I am mainly content, and that I do not normally get upset or anxious about the effect the world has on me.

Hmmm…… that’s not exactly true,  sometime when I don’t look after myself, don’t eat well, don’t sleep enough or don’t exercise …. it all hits me at once… and I know what I have to do to make things better for me…

Once I start meditating, sleeping and exercising and watching what I eat, things change for the better very quickly… occasionally I have this need to eat certain types of food…. sometimes lettuce, vegetables, or other green leaf vegetables which quickly get me back on the straight and level…. it reminds me of the times when I walked my dog, and he will stop and munch away on this piece of grass or the next… my body is saying I need this…. once you oblige .

Emotionally I am pretty fine… I read a lot, and write a lot, so most of the issues I have inside me to talk about end up here… on in the word-processor… it is amazing how therapeutic it is… there is somewhat of an emotional emptiness as this sort of life can be somewhat solitary… but when the Universe believes the time is right … I will meet with someone who I am to share my life with… if that never happens, well that would be sad, but I guess that would be all right to…

So I am going to think how far I have come… and come back here and talk walk it through – to see how much a belief in yourself, in your goals, in other people can lead to success… which of course I have not achieved in full in material terms as yet, but I am achieving in spiritual terms, for this I am happy.

So I shall meet you back here to talk about this in the future when it is the right time for you and for me.

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